Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Fancy's Learning Disability



"Well, well. I see you went to the zoo this weekend,” chuckled Nanny #1 as she walked through the door Monday morning this week.

“Oh, you noticed? What gave it away? The Penguin Beach shopping tote? Or the two animal umbrellas? The ladybug raincoats? What?” I laughed.

“Um, nice shirt,” she snorted, pointing to my new  “I Heart ZSL” Tshirt. Clearly left over from the day before and having served as both street wear and nightshirt.

I don’t know why, but Fancy here can’t seem to wrap her head around one little fact about living in London: the weather fucking sucks. The skies were blue, dammit. Not a cloud in sight Sunday morning. H was off somewhere in the Middle East, trading camels for oil barrels or some such nonsense, and I decided that I, Frau Fancy, would take the Minis on a trip to the London Zoo. It would not only give Nanny #2 a chance to straighten up, but would be a fun mother-daughters day.

I brushed Nanny #2’s hands away as she tried to hand me the rain cover for the buggy. “No need!” I cried. “The sun is shining! The birds are chirping! It’s a beautiful day!” And out we went. On foot. No rain cover. No umbrellas.

Stupid, stupid me. It started when we reached Regent Park.

So if you happened to be at the London Zoo last weekend, perhaps you spotted me? You surely wouldn’t have recognized me, what with my ultra Fancy appearance. But yes. That was me actually stripping off her soaking blouse in front of the zoo gift shop while ripping off price tags with my teeth and then pulling on a brand new and very hot pink T-shirt. Which went very nicely with my £6.95 plastic poncho, which was basically a very large sheet of cling film with a neck hole. Awesome.

If you didn’t catch me there, maybe you spotted the lady with two very wet toddlers, who were also stripped naked while huddling together under an awning, being wrapped in two layers of size 1-2 ZSL shirts and topped off with very cute little raincoats that fell to their feet, sleeves rolled up about 10 times.

No? How about the woman with very wet hair and running mascara, sitting on a bench trying to use baby wipes to scrub the yellow dye off her feet from her very expensive and now quite wet Italian sandals, while her children tried to stab each other with their new “uhbrells”?”

Let me summarize. Fancy here is capable of leaning. Like did you know that porcupines kill more lions and hyenas than any other animal in Africa? Yes, I know, it’s fascinating. I learned that at the zoo. I also learned that my Friends of ZSL membership card gets me 20% off my purchases this summer, which comes in handy when you spend £100 pounds on dry clothes for yourself and your children. I learned that Nanny #1 keeps an emergency stash of bubbles in the pram, handy for entertaining two young Minis, who were promised lions and instead got the insect exhibit. I learned that petting zoos are not as much fun when there are puddles full of wet goat shit to slog through. I learned that the new zoo exit is all the way around the corner from the taxi stand. And I learned that the waitress at Yo Sushi knows better than to ask if I mean a 125mL or 250mL glass of wine when she sees 3 drowned rats in zoo clothing walk through the door.

See Fancy is a good learner. These are all very good lessons. It’s a shame I just can’t seem to learn the one about the British weather. 

16 comments:

  1. I'm afraid, I have not learned that either, and I have lived in the UK for 31 and a half years. Its the eternal optimist in us. Well, that and being a bit forgetful, but seriously who has a bag big enough for spare outfits for 3, raincoats for 3, suncream, nappies for 1 and can still remember a coat for herself. Not me!! xx

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  2. Ah darling Emma thank you for understanding. But in my case it's nappies for 2. And if I get any older, make that 3. :-)

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  3. the weather over here is a mystery, never quite understand it.. I never leave the house with a brolly, I don't really suit the drown rat look...

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  4. :-) trying to dispel mental image of you in your bra outside the gift shop (!) I'd forgotten about the rain in the UK. Oh god. Never mind, maybe all the heat from the fires in London will stop the clouds from dispensing more? Or maybe the clouds need to cry at the sight of London being burnt? Hope you are ok (but I guess you're in a gated community ;-)

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  5. ok, don't mean to be rude...but this disqus thing is a nightmare?! It's like trying to get past the gestapo, is it new?! had this problem on someone else's blog. have resorted to logging in via Twitter.

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  6. Excellent post soggy momma. Not sure learning works, though. My kids have broken every umbrella I've bought, just in time fir torrents of rain. They also refuse to wear all the cute rain gear I buy them. Learning only works when everyone involved learns with you.

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  7. ah good lesson my little martial arts expert. I'm praying that my children are just smarter than I...

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  8. really? I'm loving it. Haven't had a problem on anyone else using it. Maybe your server? And you're never rude!

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  9. I'm offended by the presence of an umbrella. Just ruins my outfit!! :-)

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  10. alas no gate. But we're disguised and hidden well. And actually they were hoping for rain. Better than a water cannon, I hear!

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  11. I hope Nanny #2 didn't give you the I told you look when you got home.

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  12. Been there done that but wasn't fancy enough to buy dry clothes! I did manage to avoid wet goat shit though... ;)

    I have a stash of little black umbrellas everywhere--bag, car, drawer by door, and probably somewhere en route. I Have Learned. Finally.

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  13. You know what? I think I did see you outside the gift shop mid-strip with your pink poncho. I'll send the photo to you via twitter - I'm nice like that. x

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  14. This only means you're an enduring optimist. And now you have one of those cool rain thingies to take to rock concerts. Mind you i consider myself a terrible pessimist and I never had an umbrella in the 15 years I lived in london, hope springs eternal. And the London Zoo, i was there at least once a week for five years... don't ever send me back there...

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  15. I'm denying everything. But did you like my bra? Calvin Klein is really my favorite. That Elle woman lacks consistency. And La Perla is really kind of jackass expensive. My breasts are not that Fancy. x

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  16. Fancy, all you need to know about UK weather is "Expect the Unexpected." The boot of my car is always filled with changes of clothes and extra coats. I do remove the wellies in summer (if you can call it that) just for the sheer hell of it - I like to live dangerously:)

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